3 Months Left

I've been thinking about my life and my future lately. Perhaps this is because I'm a month into senior year. Perhaps this is because my graduation date is rapidly approaching.

I graduate in less than 3 months.

Make that 80 days to be exact.

Make that 43 days of classes left.

Did I say 43 days of classes? Why yes, yes I did.

Now that may seem like a while but it's not. It's not at all. 43 days? That will go by so quickly that I'll wonder where the time went.

I mean, I've already had over a month of classes and I feel like I just started back to school yesterday. If one month has felt like 2 days then the next 3 months will feel even faster once they've passed.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you...but it does to me.

I've always said that I am tired of school. That I am ready for real life. That school has never been a thing that I would hate to be done with. (I am referring to those people who come to college and never want to leave - I am not one of those people)

Now, that is still true...for the most part. I am tired of school. I am not a school person. I do not want to go to graduate school. It's not that I am an unintelligent person. I would like to think that I am pretty smart. However, I am ready to be done with pointless classes that hold no interest to me...to be done with homework assignments that aren't helping me progress in my life...

Now...about that little part about me being ready for life...

This is what scares me the most. It's not that I don't think I'm ready. I think I have all the tools I need to be successful.

What scares me is the unknown.

I am so content in my little school bubble. I have my friends. I have my living space. I don't have to worry about something changing significantly from today to tomorrow. I know I'll wake up tomorrow, see faces I'm familiar and comfortable with, and I'll feel content.

That's all going to change once I graduate.

Once I graduate I am going to be thrown into the world of adulthood. I will truly be on my own. I might not be in a location that I know or am familiar with. I might not be surrounded by people who have been supportive of me for my entire life.

What am I going to do once I'm forced to make new friends (or risk being a loner)? I don't even know how to start. Do I go to a bar? Do I wander around the city aimlessly? Do I join an organization? Perhaps a church group?

Seriously guys, I have no idea what I'm doing.

Life is sneaking up on me and I'm starting to freak out. It's hitting me that I'll have to create a new life and I don't know if I'll be any good at it.

Here's to hoping I don't suck?

[Ex]boyfriends Anonymous

Hello. My name is Jessica and I have a problem.

[*everybody chime in* Hello, Jessica]

I have a problem. My problem? I can't let go.

This is kind of in reference to past relationships/love interests...but not really...but kinda.

I can let go of the relationships I've been in. I don't want to be back in those relationships (for the most part - ha). There is a reason why I am no longer in those relationships.

However, that aside, I obsess with this need to be accepted - for this need to be "friends" with these past relationships/love interests. I want them to treat me normally. I want to be able to talk to them without feeling like I'm being a bother. I want to be able to ask questions without them thinking I have ulterior motives.

But seriously. Just because I'm talking to you doesn't mean I want to get back together with you! Just answer my question...respond to my statement...anything...

Now, don't get me wrong, there are people I have dated who I no longer speak to. Being friends just wasn't in the cards for us. We tried. It led to a lot of negative feelings. Now we don't speak and things are better off that way. It works for us.

However - these other guys...when they don't have girlfriends they talk to me (or at least humor me by responding to my questions/comments). But when they get girlfriends it is like I don't exist anymore. They don't want me looking in their direction. It's like they think I am going to pounce on them....through the computer?

I don't know. I feel like I need to just let them all go. Maybe it's not in the cards for any of us.

It will upset me. I know it will.

But if they told me that it's not in the cards for us then I would let them go. I would leave them alone and they could live their lives without me.

Just say the word and I'm gone.

The Single Life..

You know - I have a lot of thoughts when it comes to my love life...or for those who know me, my lack thereof...

I sometimes wonder why I am single.
But mostly I wonder why I've been single for so long...

Don't get me wrong. I don't need a man. It's not like I can't function without one...but sometimes it's just nice to have someone. It's nice to have somebody to talk to. To hang out with. To say goodnight to before you go to sleep. To go on dates with. You know what I'm talking about...

Being single gets lonely.

Really lonely.

I dated a decent amount in high school. I had a steady boyfriend for most of my senior year of high school. We broke up shortly after graduation. I didn't date somebody again until my junior year of college. Sadly, that only lasted a couple of weeks.

I was dumped both times. That's terribly sad to admit - ha. But no shame!

I am now into my senior year and still nobody.

Is there something wrong with me?
Am I too picky?
Is there a reason I can't keep a guy around for more than 2 weeks?

I seriously feel like I repulse men sometimes. It's not really the best feeling in the world. It kind of ruins your confidence a little bit. And sometimes more than a little bit.

I know I am supposed to leave it in God's hands and wait until the right person comes along. But lordy, how long is that going to take?!?

Do you think God is trying to teach me patience (because of the fact I am NOT patient!)?? Do you think He's telling me to calm to heck down and things will fall into place?

I don't really know what's happening...or why I can't seem to snag a boyfriend like most college women...but, I mean, it would be nice if I could at least have some prospects.

Anybody?

Right now I am a fish in open water with no other fish in sight...and I'm not too sure I like it.

Real Life? What?

Tonight I applied for two real jobs. Not summer jobs. Not internships. Real, full-time, gotta pay the bills jobs. Is this really happening?

As you probably know from my last post I graduate in December. That means real life is quickly approaching. I am so ready for real life that I typed "fastly approaching" instead of quickly. But no worries, spell check hurriedly informed me that fastly is not actually a word.

....yea, English and grammar are not my forte. All of my friends know that I can't even speak it very well. I am always trying to make up new words. Sadly, they don't seem to catch on.

One day.

But anyways, back to my reason for writing this post - jobs.

I never thought I would be this stressed/freaked out applying for jobs. It's never been this difficult before. Now I have to actually consider if I would want to work for a company for more than a summer's length of time. Now I have to consider what I want to spend a significant amount of my time doing, where I want to be living, what benefits I'll be offered...

TALK ABOUT STRESSFUL!

I don't want to name the companies I've applied for specifically, but I can tell you that they are located in the Raleigh area and both involve the sales realm. I think I'd be pretty good at sales. I like to talk. Sales people get to talk. Good match? Who knows.

....what is this adult life? bills? what?

Also - one of the [two] jobs I applied for is to a company I met at the career fair at UNC this past week. The representatives I talked to were AWESOME and they made their company sound like the BOMB DIGITY. I liked them. I think they liked me. Fingers crossed that I at least score an interview from that interaction. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO HIRE ME!

Thoughts on being a senior.

I have never been a writer, nor will I ever claim to be, but sometimes I have thoughts/feelings/emotions that I want to write down...so here we are.

I write this as a sit alone in my living room. My two roommates are asleep (considering it is close to 1:00am). There is nothing but silence, and the sound of my typing, around me. It is moments like tonight when I get lost in my thoughts and when I ponder about my present and my future.

I am a senior in college. I am a senior at THE University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Where has the time gone?

These past 3 years have been filled with joy, pain, sorrow... College, for me, was better than high school in a lot of ways, but it was also worse in some ways too.
     In high school I played sports...I acted in plays...I did all of the things I loved to do that simply went away when I came to college. I no longer participated in sports (unless you count the random intramural game here and there), and I never got involved in shows. I have helped out with shows (costuming, props, publicity, etc), but I have not acted in anything and acting is what I love. Have I been missing out?
     On the other hand, college has been filled with some of the most amazing people that I have been blessed with meeting. I wouldn't say I was popular in high school, or in college for that matter, but I feel more accepted in college than I ever did in high school. I feel like I am able to be true to myself and explore who I am supposed to be without being judged. College was the much needed step I was hoping for to help me redefine myself and become who I know I could be.

So there you have it. I was more involved in activities in high school, but I became more true to myself and my personhood (is that a word?) in college. It appears you have to give up some things to propel yourself forward to where you know you need to be.

But, you know, now I'm ready for the next jump. Most people are scared for graduation and the idea of working/living in the real world, and in some ways I am, but for the most part I am ready. However, I am going to cherish the time I have left. I know it will go faster than I could ever imagine.

So here is to the last few months of my college career. Here's to the last few months of making the most of my time at Carolina. Here's to living in the moment.